World’s Leading Mathematicians Update Formula for Velocity to V = Σrstappen
New model accounts for drag, tire wear, and eliminates McLaren drivers.
LOS ANGELES—An international panel of the world’s top mathematicians has officially updated the classical formula for velocity, replacing the outdated v = d/t with a more accurate modern equation: V = Σrstappen, after decades of Red Bull Racing data proved that speed behaves differently than once thought.
The announcement came after researchers admitted traditional physics could no longer explain how Max Verstappen nearly won the World Drivers’ Championship last season while obeying the same regulations, gravity, and basic laws of reality as everyone else.
“We tried everything,” said Dr. Emilio Navarro, lead researcher at the Useless Technicals Institute. “Drag coefficients, tire degradation models, space-time simulations. None of it worked. Once we isolated Verstappen, the equation finally balanced. The math finally mathed.”
According to the updated model, Σrstappen functions as a universal constant that increases velocity regardless of conditions. Wet track, worn tires, Ferrari strategy, or FIA bullshit all collapse into a single equation.
McLaren engineers reportedly attempted to challenge the findings but became distracted while trying to convince Oscar Piastri that the Papaya Rules do not favor Lando. The effort was ultimately abandoned after Zak Brown reportedly stated, “I’ll get a tattoo to prove it,” before immediately changing the subject.
Representatives from Red Bull Racing were not surprised by the conclusions. “We’ve known this for years,” said one team member while assembling Verstappen’s 79th sim rig. “He changes the laws of physics every weekend. We just put together the car.”
Verstappen himself declined to comment on the findings, stating only, “Are we racing today?” before walking away and getting into his sim.
The research team plans to submit the updated equation to universities worldwide, recommending it replace outdated physics materials immediately. Students are advised that any calculation not accounting for Σrstappen is considered “incorrect and slow.”