White House Orders Mercedes to Reboot 770s Once Made for Top German Officials in the 1930s
Administration insists request is “purely about performance,” denies knowing why everyone suddenly feels uncomfortable.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—With many mildly horrified but completely unsurprised, the White House has formally requested that Mercedes-Benz resume production of the 770, a massive luxury car originally built for top military officials during the 1930s and 40s.
When asked why the administration would want to bring back a car most famously associated with authoritarian parades and goose-stepping photo ops, one senior official offered a blunt explanation. “The President was looking up what fascist means, was distracted by a photo, pointed at it, and said, ‘That’s a strong car. Tremendous strength. Real strength.’ Then he asked if it comes in gold.”
The Mercedes 770, known historically as the Großer Mercedes, was once the go-to ride for authoritarian leaders who wanted their tyranny to have curb appeal. Known for its overbuilt presence and terrifying grille, it’s the kind of vehicle you’d expect to see parked next to a bunker or slowly driven through a military parade with a shit-eating grin and being followed by a string of bootlickers.
Still, current officials insist the interest is purely about performance. “History doesn’t matter,” said press secretary Caroline Keepitt. “He doesn’t understand history. He just likes the vibe, and the vibe is not authoritarian. Like, at all. Trust me.”
According to sources, the President became aware of the 770 during a late-night Google spiral involving “Am I really a dictator?” and “Can AI read this for me out loud?” Shortly thereafter, a request was sent to Mercedes via the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency, yes, ICE, with a handwritten note that read, “Make it bigger. Make it meaner. Put flags on it.” The delivery cost taxpayers $12 million.
Mercedes-Benz has not publicly responded to the request, though insiders say they are currently trying to figure out if they want to be associated with fascists again.
“We’re not usually in the business of reviving historical trauma,” said one Mercedes executive, winking under condition of anonymity. “But if they wire the money, we’ll throw in bulletproof glass and a built-in Truth Social screen.”
Critics have been quick to condemn the move. “This is what happens when you let power concentrate in the executive branch and put it in the hands of a toddler,” said political analyst Dr. Rachel Kim. “Next he’ll be asking what Putin drives.”
Supporters, however, claim it’s just part of the President’s broader transportation plan, replacing all electric vehicles with cars that “look like they could survive a major world war.” He would never use it to carry out anything actually fascist.
Mercedes has reportedly received a second follow-up note from the White House. It simply read, “Put this symbol on the grill.”