Waymo Gets First Permit to Autonomously Annoy New York City
Officials say the self-driving cars will honk, block lanes, and generally act like they belong there.
NEW YORK—History was made this week as Waymo received the first permit to operate fully autonomous vehicles in New York, granting its fleet the legal right to cut people off, block intersections, and be a general nuisance to the citizens of New York.
“New Yorkers are patient,” said Department of Transportation spokesperson Alan Ruiz. “But we don’t want soulless cars slowing down every turn. These machines can’t capture the spirit of this city: aggressive merging, horn symphonies, and shutting down in the middle of traffic.”
Witnesses say the first Waymo cars wasted no time. “One of them double-parked in front of my deli, hazards on, no driver inside,” said cabbie Frank Donnelly. “It sat there for 20 minutes while the car behind it laid on the horn. That’s not what New York is about.”
Waymo engineers insist the behavior is improved from its previous reputation. “We programmed the vehicles to learn from local drivers,” explained lead engineer Priya Mehta. “The Waymo is only learning the way of its citizens. We’ve had to replace the horn on our fleet eighteen times already.”
Not everyone is impressed. “It nearly sideswiped me on Canal Street,” complained pedestrian Maria Gonzalez. “And then it yelled ‘Hey, I’m walkin’ here!’ from the speakers. I don’t think that’s a technological advancement.”
Despite criticism, officials argue the experiment is going well. “The cars are fitting in,” said Ruiz. “I’ve given them twenty-five parking tickets in the first hour. I’ve met my quota for the year.”
Waymo has hinted at future expansions, including autonomous jaywalking enforcement and a feature that allows the cars to slowly roll into crosswalks to intimidate pedestrians.
As for New Yorkers, most are unfazed. “So now there are more assholes on the road?” said Donnelly. “What’s new?”