SAN FRANCISCO—Smashed pizzas, spilled drinks, deconstructed burgers, and car-floor fries might become a thing of the past thanks to Uber’s new immaculate delivery program, which will deliver your food without damage using its talented team of Speed Stars. Not my choice. That’s what they call them.
The program has been in development for a few years now after an underpaid driver was caught watching anime while picking up new fares to make his meager existence more tolerable. Executives noticed a man who goes by the name Takumi effortlessly delivering tofu in a car whose technology is closer to a Flintstones vehicle than anything cars are equipped with today.
“Look, people want cheap, fast, reliable delivery, and it turns out with a little training we can provide the fast and reliable part,” said Uber Executive James Tolleson. “For some reason they don’t think so, but we pay these drivers so much money I think it’s time we get our money’s worth.”
The path to becoming a Speed Star for the taxi giant isn’t an easy one. You have to be certified as the fastest down a mountain while carrying tofu with a full cup of water in the car. It can be any mountain, but you have to be the fastest.
In our research, we found thousands of individuals who legitimately believe they’re fast because they go cruising in the mountains. This program has served as a reality check that they should probably invest in some track time.
“Our Uber Speed Stars are the fastest and smoothest drivers in your area,” said the now-emboldened executive. “If they cause any perceptible damage to your food, they will be relegated to regular deliveries before being given to Lyft to exploit whatever labor remains.”
It’s unclear how well this program will do considering the clear legal violations being encouraged by it, but if it means receiving your fountain drink without soda all over the lid, it’s possible law enforcement might just hold out its hand and wait for Uber to put some money in it.
For now, we wait for our first Touge Delivery and show Takumi what has become of his Initial D fame.
When asked how quickly deliveries would arrive, Uber refused to give a set timeframe, stating simply:
“Faster than anyone else can.”