WASHINGTON D.C.- The inaugural Freedom 250 Grand Prix marked one of the most important events in American history at a scale not experienced since the White House had a bunch of dudes in their underwear beat each other off an octagon. The problems that plague this country are no match for the greatest antidote of all: doing whatever you can to appease your fearless leader and praising the totally metaphorical and in no way actual merciful king, so we’re all too distracted to do anything about those problems. The event’s importance only increased after the president signed an executive order declaring himself the winner of the historic event.
“The executive order wasn’t necessary. It’s just something I have to do as the president,” said the president, completely unaware that executive orders don’t cover races. “I took a single lap and won the whole thing. It was unbelievable. Everyone had shocked looks on their faces. They had never seen anything as amazing as me.”
Once the actual race finished, Kyle Kirkwood was initially declared the winner, but immediately following the president’s declaration, Roger Penske looked at his MAGA hat proudly and issued a statement.
“Kyle Kirkwood is dead to us. He’s not even that good. The president won the event by a mile. Sure it wasn’t in an IndyCar but he doesn’t fit it one. That’s not his fault. This event is dedicated to Trum… I mean our country. Of course the president would win,” wrote the fangirling Penske. “People like to believe you can’t win a Grand Prix in one lap, but the reality is they aren’t the greatest president in the history of America. Sure, you get wars, a tanking economy, and cyclospora, but you also get to witness a president beat a full grid of race car drivers.”
Suspiciously, no one is challenging the victory. It’s almost as if they fear retaliation or somehow have a bunch of money tied to the president’s relationship with IndyCar. Who knows? Who cares! The president won the Grand Prix and might have a shot at winning the whole championship if he decides to declare that as well.
Would you rather have your president golfing or racing? I mean, it’s an easy answer, and those are the only two choices you get.