Traffic Tells All: “It Doesn’t Matter How Many Lanes You Add”
Experts confirm congestion simply grows to match human stupidity, lifted trucks, and that one guy braking for no reason.
CORONA—Traffic sat down with an intern at Burnout & Skidmark this week and stated with alarming, extreme, and completely unjustified confidence that it cannot be defeated, outsmarted, or engineered away, regardless of how many lanes, overpasses, or billion-dollar studies are thrown at it.
“It doesn’t matter,” Traffic said, steepling its fingers like Mr. Burns. “Add one lane, I will become two lanes worth of chaos. Add six, and I will simply summon more Nissan Altimas.”
According to transportation officials, every infrastructure expansion immediately triggers a precise and predictable response from drivers. The far-left lane fills with someone cruising at 41 mph “because who cares about anyone else.”
The far-right lane becomes a demolition derby because no one knows what a zipper merge is. The middle lanes are occupied by drivers who refuse to commit to anything, including speed, exits, or personal accountability.
“Human behavior scales perfectly with asphalt,” said civil engineer Marta Klein. “You could pave the entire country into one uninterrupted highway, and traffic would still beat humanity. But it’s our own fault.”
Researchers identified several recurring drivers responsible for traffic’s immortality. These include the Phone Scroller, who maintains a ten-car-length gap while updating Instagram Stories; the Lifted Truck Philosopher, who believes they own the road and you should act accordingly; and the Sudden Exit Realizer, who crosses four lanes at once after missing their turn three miles ago.
Traffic itself expressed appreciation for these contributors. “I couldn’t do this without you,” it said warmly. “Especially the people who slow down to look at accidents on the opposite side of the freeway. Truly big-brain work.”
Transportation departments across the country have responded by continuing to add lanes anyway, citing a need to look like they are doing something. Drivers, meanwhile, remain delusional that the next expansion will finally work.
Traffic concluded its remarks with a smirk.
“See you tomorrow morning,” it said.