To Prevent Voiding Warranty With Mods, Local Man Buys Old Shitbox
Sources confirm the vehicle has no parts in stock at the dealership.
SANTA ANA—Local man Daniel Ruiz has found nirvana by purchasing an old ass car that predates Zune, heated seats, and Elon’s lies about self-driving.
“I didn’t want to live in fear,” said Ruiz, referring to the torture of modifying a new car and giving a service advisor named Kyle a reason to act like you’re taking money out of his pocket. “An intake, an exhaust, one turbo at 30 lbs of boost and suddenly they’re saying I have to pay full price for engine failure? Nah, you won’t catch me slippin’.”
Ruiz’s solution was simple: buy a shitbox. If buying new means I can’t supercharge it, then what’s the point? This is where my genius comes in. Buying a shitbox means I don’t have to worry about that. Life is about loopholes, and this is something more people should be paying attention to. The dealership doesn’t even have parts for my car. It’s perfect.
“I gave them the VIN and they had to go look it up in their paper archives,” he said. “The parts guy said, ‘We haven’t supported that car in decades.’” He stated this with an extreme amount of pride, almost too extreme, like he wishes he would have bought something new but is trying to convince himself he really didn’t.
He bought the shitbox sight unseen, and it arrived with a check engine light, a suspension geometry in need of Invisalign, and so many issues that no single mod could reasonably be blamed for anything that happens to the car.
Friends report Ruiz now modifies the car freely, installing parts he lowballed on Facebook Marketplace and scouring the internet for any companies that still make oil filters for it. He doesn’t bother with receipts. He won’t resell this car. It’s depreciated fully to nothing already.
“Nothing can void a warranty that died two decades ago,” Ruiz added, tightening a bolt that may or may not snap. “This car is free of the handcuffs of repair under warranty.”