LOS ANGELES—As the completely necessary ongoing conflict in the Middle East constrains shipping routes and energy infrastructure continues taking hits, fuel costs have risen dramatically, with diesel prices reaching as high as $8.27 in California. It was clear dramatic measures needed to be taken, and the fuel industry delivered in the form of sub-99-cent gas not seen since 1999.
The solution was simple. Why fill up in gallons when you can fill up in pints?
The signs all instantly read below a dollar. You can always count on the fuel industry for refined genius.
“We are approaching an emergency situation. Can you believe they started asking us to cut into our profits?” stated Chevron Oil Executive G. Ross Pillueter. “This is when we came up with a revolutionary solution that will ensure everyone is happy. Instead of reducing the prices, reduce the sizes! We also went with a pint so when prices inevitably rise again, we can cut it down to cups. I mean, we are like scaryyy brilliant.”
Gas stations across the country immediately implemented the new size and pricing, leading to an instant reduction in the numbers displayed on signs and digital screens at the pump.
At the direction of the president, the White House seized the opportunity, declaring the return of gas under $1 a major political victory and reportedly ordering thousands of 99-CENT GAS IS BACK signs before a leftover DOGE intern asked if they should include the words ‘per pint.
Clearly, they did not. Don’t be dumb.
Commuters across the nation immediately took notice and took to social media to express the dramatic difference they felt in their lives despite crude oil remaining above $100 per barrel.
“What the hell are you talking about?” said Threads user @stillbroke99.
“I don’t even drink my beer by the pint anymore. I guess I’ll drink that by the gallon,” said Instagram user @burnoutandskidmark.
“I’m paying the same. Actually, I think I’m paying more somehow,” said Reddit user FuriousMasterGator.
“This is fantastic policy. I’m sure the president personally gave the gas companies this idea,” said MAGA influencer and Grindr Enthusiast @straightformykountry.
It’s hard to gauge what the long-term impacts of this change will be for the economy, if any. The only thing we know for sure is that it won’t impact anything at all, even slightly.
But with most of the country believing whatever numbers are posted on a Facebook AI image, we are sure to see a sharp increase in cars on the road before people start complaining about losing their savings for reasons completely unknown to them.
The fuel industry has made headlines once again, but this time it’s for something good.
Well, something good in comparison, at least.
Even doing absolutely nothing is better than most of the other stuff they’ve been doing.