To Address Escalade's Ever-Increasing Size, Cadillac Announces Future Models Will Be Measured in Square Footage
Dealers Now Advertising Optional Open Floor Plan
DETROIT—The Cadillac team has expressed that describing the Escalade as “longer,” “larger,” “gigantic,” or “girthy” no longer properly captures the vehicle’s mammoth presence. Cadillac announced Monday that future models will officially be measured in square footage rather than the boring, outdated vehicle dimensions traditionally used.
After an intense analysis that consumed the better part of an 8-hour workday, engineers determined the latest Escalade is approaching parking stall sizes closer to those of RVs and must be given the respect it deserves.
“We’ve reached a point where saying an SUV is 224 inches long just isn’t meaningful to customers anymore,” said Cadillac vice president Mark Ellison while standing beside a floor plan of the 2027 Escalade. “People understand square footage. They know what 5,000 square feet feels like. That’s the language consumers want us to speak.”
Dealerships will begin advertising the Escalade’s optional Open Floor Plan package later this year, replacing previous marketing terms like “spacious interior” with more accurate descriptions such as “large guest bedroom,” “fully furnished,” and “his and hers sinks.”
“We fit an entire IKEA showroom back there during testing,” said lead engineer Samantha Price. “We had to go back to the drawing board because it left too much room to spare.”
Cadillac also announced buyers will now choose between 15- and 30-year loan terms to help offset the building materials required to manufacture the goliath ambulant domicile.
“We looked at our financing options and realized if homes can do it, then so should we. We do square feet now,” explained dealership finance manager Kevin Russo. “The paperwork barely changed. Just ignore the interest rate.”
Company representatives say the move also allows customers to build equity in their Escalade, though analysts clarified that it will lose roughly forty percent of its value the moment it leaves the lot.
The automaker has also begun encouraging prospective owners to schedule private walk-throughs before deciding which floor plan best suits them and their families.
Several small counties had reportedly started requiring new Escalade owners to obtain occupancy permits before attempting to park in their neighborhoods.