Tire Degradation’s Shocking Admission: “I’m Scared of Max Verstappen”
Claims no compound on Earth is built to withstand that alien.
SÃO PAULO—After yet another dominant performance by Max Verstappen, tire degradation has finally broken its silence, holding an emergency press conference to beg for mercy.
“He won’t stop beating on us,” said Degradation, visibly worn and cracking under pressure. “Every lap, every corner, it’s relentless. He doesn’t even need pitstops. He just grinds us down to nothing for hours on end, never once slowing down. We used to think Lewis was bad, but this guy? He’s not human. He’s our Chuck Norris.”
According to sources close to Pirelli, Verstappen’s driving has reached levels previously thought to be physically impossible, with data showing he can prolong tire abuse longer than scientists are capable of measuring. “We’ve stopped trying to understand our spreadsheets,” said Pirelli engineer Marco Ruiz. “Every time he sets a lap record, a different compound dies.”
The relationship between Verstappen and tire degradation has always been complicated, but experts say this year’s performance has escalated things to “toxic.”
“Sure, he’s winning and shocking the world,” Degradation admitted, staring blankly into the distance. “But at what cost? Should I have to sacrifice my family for his trophies? I’ve lost friends out there: softs, mediums, hards. It doesn’t matter. He burns us all equally.”
Even rival drivers have started expressing concern for the sport’s most abused element. “It’s getting dark, man,” said Lando Norris. “By the time I pit, Max’s tires are begging for death, but they still have purple sectors. I don’t get it.”
Pirelli has reportedly considered forming a support group for traumatized tires, though early efforts have been unsuccessful. “Every time we start the session, someone mentions Verstappen and the whole room just starts squealing ‘skrt skrt skrt’,” said therapist Linda Moretti. “They can’t even look at a Red Bull without shaking. Unless it has Tsunoda’s number on it.”
When asked for comment, Verstappen appeared indifferent. “I just drive,” he said, shrugging. “If the tires can’t handle greatness, that’s not my problem.”
Meanwhile, Degradation has announced plans to take “an extended break” from Formula 1 to focus on recovery and, hopefully, regrow some tread. “We’ve had legends before,” it said quietly. “Schumacher, Senna, Hamilton. They pushed us to the limit. But Max? The damage he does, just shouldn’t be possible.”