The Definitive Guide to Driving a Manual
For those who believe enlightenment begins at the clutch pedal.
CORONA—In a time when cars can drive for you, a small but vocal group of drivers continues to uphold the ancient art of stalling on hills. These self-proclaimed “purists” follow a sacred set of unspoken rules, now formally documented in what experts are calling the definitive guide to driving a manual.
The most important principle is project humility. This involves saying things like, “Yeah, automatics are faster now, but I like being connected to the car.” “Don’t make comments stating you’re better,” said local manual devotee Carlos Medina. “Just be happy knowing you are better.”
Secondly, drive with a quiet sense of superiority. Every clutch press is a small act of rebellion, a spiritual resistance against the soulless tide of automatic efficiency. “We’re preserving the culture’s purity,” said enthusiast Diana Morales. “We’re doing important work here.”
Then there’s the ritualistic shifter jiggle. While experts confirm it serves no mechanical purpose, it remains a crucial gesture of devotion. “If you’re not jiggling the shifter at red lights,” said Medina, “are you even driving stick? It’s like breathing. It keeps you alive.”
The guide also warns of the moral hazards of driving automatics. “When forced to,” it instructs, “slam the brake with your left foot and loudly proclaim, ‘Whoa, I’m not used to this!’” The confusion must be public. The shame must be visible.
Other commandments include keeping your windows untinted so witnesses can see your silky gear shifts, and investing in identity-based apparel like Save the Manuals shirts and Anti-Automatic Club hoodies—ensuring your superiority remains visible even when you’re not stalling uphill
The most advanced practitioners, however, embrace aggressive and unnecessary downshifting. Every green light becomes an opportunity to heel-toe like Senna’s ghost is watching and nodding in silent approval.
Automakers may continue to chase paddles, but the manual faithful remain irrationally stubborn while revving louder, shifting harder, and keeping the dying art alive one row of the gears at a time.
And finally, acknowledge that you are the last of a dying breed. You must claim immunity to theft since, as legend dictates, “no one knows how to drive stick anymore.”