The Carstrologist’s Horoscope

An honest forecast for every car enthusiast with unresolved mechanical trauma. It’s never aligned, celestially or camber-ly.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)

You treat every redline like a goal. If your oil isn’t boiling, you’re not really driving.

This week: Blow your engine and blame your tuner. Again.

Taurus (Apr 20–May 20)

Your car can't clear a speed bump. You’ve spent $2,300 on coilovers but refuse to do your oil change on time.

This week: Ditch Cars & Coffee. You’re gonna get slammed—with basic maintenance.

Gemini (May 21–Jun 20)

You've listed your fourth project car and every ad ended with “ran when parked.”

This week: Lie about compression numbers and get banned from Bring-a-Trailer.

Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22)

You clay bar your car more than you hug your family. One swirl mark = emotional shutdown.

This week: Accuse someone of using a drive-thru wash because their car looks better than yours.

Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22)

You don’t park. You arrive. Your car is all underglow and zero character.

This week: Rev at a faster car, then say they’re “too scared to race.”

Virgo (Aug 23–Sept 22)

Every bolt is torqued to factory spec. Every part is OEM+. Your soul is dealer-only.

This week: Cry while reinstalling your third valve cover gasket because only the dealer sells it.

Libra (Sept 23–Oct 22)

You want to stance, track, daily, and overland with the same car.

This week: Buy a Jeep and leave car enthusiasm to the professionals.

Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21)

You don’t care what’s under the hood. Until someone asks. Then you lie.

This week: Claim 700whp with no dyno sheet. When asked to race, say “vacuum leak.”

Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21)

You think speeding through a roundabout counts as seat time.

This week: Stay out of the canyons. You’re not ready. You never will be.

Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19)

Your laptop is your car language. You’ve spent more time tuning than driving.

This week: Flash the wrong file, brick the ECU, and upgrade to a better car.

Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18)

Your car makes 80whp but you think it sounds like 800.

This week: Park your G35 as far away from the meet as possible, for everyone’s safety.

Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20)

You threaten to sell your car daily, but you won’t.

This week: Break down on the freeway and tell your homies to shut up when they say “just sell it.”