MCGREGOR—Customers who put down deposits in 2017 finally got to see Tesla unveil what their money got them, a Roadster that does kickflips over other Teslas but won’t be available to buy until 2028 or 2029 or 2030 or 2031, one of those. SpaceX got tired of trying to get to Mars, so they strapped rockets to the decade-delayed Roadster and started doing flips in hopes of satisfying early depositors and potentially generating some new ones.
“Deposit this, delays that, you guys need to get over it. Look at this thing, it does kickflips!” said an excited Musk, but in like a ketamine-excited kind of way. “We can recreate that scene from Men in Black! We are pushing the boundaries of what can be done with a car when people give you a bunch of money just for making promises.”
The demonstration showed a Roadster flying over a Cybertruck, Cybercab, Semi, Model Y, and Model 3 using thrusters developed by SpaceX. It also performed an aerial flip by driving up a curved ramp, inverting in the air, and using its thrusters to land, almost as if teasing that Rocket League would happen in real life before we got GTA7.
Musk tried everything he could to perform the demonstration with a human in the car but changed his mind once he was told he’s the only human the insurance company would allow to take the first drive. Flight? No, drive. Maybe flight.
Tesla claims that when it’s on the ground, the Roadster is good for a 0–60 mph of 0.81 seconds, a top speed exceeding 230 mph, and a range of 300 miles. It will come in Performance, Thrust, and invitation-only Rocket options, demonstrating the company’s ability to develop innovative technology while also proving the truest fact of all.
This guy will say anything for another round of deposits.
Anything but deliver the damn cars.