Tesla Owner Furious After Realizing 0–60 in 2 Seconds Can’t Make Up for His Lack of Personality
Claims the acceleration is “life-changing,” but he still doesn't have friends.
AUSTIN—Local Tesla owner Brandon Carmichael is reportedly outraged after discovering that his car’s blistering 0–60 time of 1.99 seconds has done nothing to improve his social life, charisma, or general likability.
“I really thought Elon would come through for me,” Carmichael said, standing beside his Model S Plaid while adjusting his Tesla hat with obnoxious pride. “I can take all your cars off the line, you’re all supposed to bow down to my supreme being. That’s how it works, right?”
Former friends paint a different picture. “He used to be kinda tolerable before the Plaid,” said roommate Marcus Vega. “But now every conversation starts with, ‘I can take any car off the line. It’s basically a supercar.’ We could be talking about rent, taxes, or my grandma’s funeral, and somehow it loops back to his 0–60.”
According to Carmichael, the disappointment set in shortly after everyone realized who Elon really is. “The first week was amazing,” he said. “Then I went to Cars and Coffee and nobody even asked me about it. I didn’t get to tell them I could beat them off the line. They don’t even know I have a 2-second 0–60. That’s a tragedy considering how much this thing cost me.”
Psychologists say the case isn’t unique. “We’ve seen this pattern before,” explained Dr. Lucia Hernandez of the Useless Technicals Institute. “When owners experience extreme acceleration, there’s often a sense that their personality has become ‘cooler,’ which is true in part. Unfortunately, Elon hasn’t found how to make that work on electric vehicles.”
Tesla declined to comment on the allegations but quietly updated their website to clarify that “rapid acceleration may not improve one’s social standing, emotional depth, or romantic prospects, and in fact might impact how you’re perceived negatively.”
Despite his frustration, Carmichael remains optimistic. “I’m thinking about upgrading to the Roadster when it’s finally developed,” he said. “It’s supposed to do zero to sixty in under one second. Maybe that’s fast enough for people to finally find me interesting.”
So far, it isn’t.