Tesla Cybertruck Named Least Stolen Vehicle of 2025 as Thieves Choose Literally Anything Else

“We have standards,” says local car thief, pointing to a 2002 PT Cruiser.

DETROIT—The Tesla Cybertruck has officially been named the least stolen vehicle of 2025, with car thieves across the country confirming they’d rather boost literally anything else, including 20-year-old rusted-out Geo Metros and already stolen Honda Civics.

“I saw one parked with the keys in the seat and the door wide open,” said veteran thief Kurt “Two Taps” Jefferson. “Still walked right past it. Something about stealing a dumpster just feels wrong.”

According to a new report from the Useless Technicals Institute, the Cybertruck has the lowest theft rate in the automotive market, not due to advanced security or Elon’s citizen-tracking software, but because, as the report puts it, “nobody wants to be seen in that thing.”

“Most criminals would rather serve a sentence than be caught behind the wheel of a rolling compost bin with panel gaps you could lose a baseball bat in.”
— Dr. Maya Chen, lead researcher

The report also notes that attempted thefts usually end in failure due to “potential thieves being deterred by the thought of being associated with the type of person who buys that specific truck.” One anonymous thief detailed a failed Cybertruck job: “I got in, and I swear to God I immediately got the urge to kick puppies. I had to walk away before it completely transformed me.”

Others cite the vehicle’s “vibe” as a deterrent. “I’m trying to steal a car, not look like I’m cosplaying as a divorced IT director,” said local thief Julian Smith. “Plus, I don’t want my family to see me that way. What kind of man would I be perceived as if I was okay with that?”

Despite the low risk of theft, Cybertruck owners remain oddly defensive. “It’s a bold design,” said proud owner Brett Harmon. “And totally theft-proof, obviously. That’s why I leave it unlocked, with the title on the dash. Come take it. I dare you. Seriously, come take it. Today.”

Meanwhile, actual desirable vehicles like the Honda Civic, Dodge Charger, and anything with wheels continue to be stolen at alarming rates.

“There’s just nothing you can do,” said LAPD officer Sandra Liu. “Except, apparently, buy a Cybertruck. That’s the one vehicle we guarantee no one wants and will still be there when you come back.”

As for car thieves, they’re in agreement: the Cybertruck is one target that’s just not worth the shame.