Santa Trades in Sleigh and Reindeer for GT3 RS to Deliver Packages

North Pole sources say upgrade was made “after Santa made enough money for a down payment selling all those cookies he gets.”

NORTH POLE—Santa Claus confirmed this week that he has officially retired his centuries-old sleigh and reindeer operation in favor of a Porsche 911 GT3 RS, citing improved performance, reliability, and an increased amount of coal that “these people frankly deserve.”

“For years, I just kept eating the damn cookies,” Santa said while signing paperwork with a pen shaped like a candy cane. “Turns out, I can resell them as Santa’s Cookies and make enough for my dream car. Or at least the down payment. Maybe these elves can figure out how to make me another one.”