ANGELES CREST—The high-performance athletes engaging in canyon carving—or, more colloquially, touge for people who want to add a touch of sophistication to the Herculean feat of racing through mountain roads while risking the life and limb of everyone else in their path—have often been ignored by the automotive industry. That has finally changed thanks to a Los Angeles company called Red Asphalt.
Red Asphalt has revolutionized the legitimate and impressive sport by developing products specifically for the brave and fast. So incredibly fast. Drivers who are absolutely NOT scared to go to the track.
“We got tired of telling them to go to the track,” said Red Asphalt CEO Nathan Perez. “After a while, it made more sense to make products designed specifically for them. It’s an untapped market filled with trends no one has capitalized on. Trends like getting airlifted to the hospital, waiting on the side of the road next to your wrecked car while everyone drives by laughing, or going viral for crossing the mustard and nearly taking out a biker.”
This is Red Asphalt’s first product launch, and it promises innovative features exclusive to the legends of the mountain roads.
The company’s flagship driving shoe features reinforced attachment points designed specifically for helicopter extraction equipment, allowing first responders to quickly remove drivers from the canyon without wasting valuable time for other drivers to wreck their cars.
Optional canyon-carving gloves feature webbing that expands into a 20-by-20-inch face covering, allowing drivers to completely hide their identity while sitting on the side of the road next to what remains of their car. The material is also extremely absorbent, allowing drivers to cry comfortably after remembering the car wasn’t insured, another trend Red Asphalt says they observed repeatedly during market research.
The final product is a specialized lap timer designed exclusively for mountain roads. Early prototypes also worked at racetracks, but Red Asphalt removed track compatibility after discovering that not one of the drivers truly giving it their all in those mountains would ever set a lead foot on one.
While the first launch is limited, Red Asphalt has promised continued support for local mountain racers and has even teased a future product line for takeover spectators, including a protective suit capable of sustaining 10G fender impacts without causing additional physical or **mental damage.
Automotive subcultures are aggressively pursued by companies the moment they become popular, making it a mystery why touge and takeovers have been largely ignored. Red Asphalt has finally changed that, bringing touge diehards and takeover junkies under one supportive umbrella.
They also sell the umbrella.
Red Asphalt recommends carrying it in case you initiate a rockslide after inevitably running into the side of the mountain, although that feature remains untested.
**As responsible journalists we must note that early testing was conducted using actual Takeover spectators. Researchers recorded little to no measurable brain activity before or after impact, making the mental-health portion of the study inconclusive. Physically, however, the suit definitely helped.