Record Gas Prices Push Americans to Walk “Yeah, It’s That or Own a Tesla, I’m Good,” Say Millions
Nation’s sidewalks see surge in foot traffic as citizens finances help them rediscover legs, unanimously agree Elon sucks.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As gas prices climb to record highs due to sheer incompetence, a growing number of Americans are reportedly abandoning their cars and opting to walk, citing cost savings, improved health, and what many are calling “an easy choice” when the alternative is Tesla ownership.
“It just made sense,” said Javier Martinez, who now walks six miles to work each day after selling his SUV. “At first I thought about getting something electric, but then I saw those idiot depositions from DOGE and decided my legs are better. They’re free, they don’t need software updates, and they are incapable of ruining the economy.”
According to a new study conducted by the Useless Technicals Institute, pedestrian traffic has increased by 312% in major metropolitan areas, with 78% of respondents stating they would “rather develop shin splints” than deal with something that Mars idiot created.
“I looked into it,” said Mark Felix, who was seen power-walking along the shoulder of a busy highway with a backpack full of groceries. “You’re telling me I can either pay $6 a gallon or spend $80,000 on a car that might one day make full self-driving that doesn’t kill anyone? I’ll take my chances with dehydration.”
Urban planners have noted a sharp rise in improvised walking routes, including former freeway on-ramps, shopping center shortcuts, and what cops are calling “a high volume of jaywalking ticket opportunities.” Some cities are even considering adding additional pedestrian infrastructure, though officials admit this would require the removal of all Tesla charging stations. They did not explain why, but insisted it was necessary.
Tesla owners, meanwhile, have pushed back against the trend. “It’s not that bad,” said Dylan Harper, standing next to his Cybertruck as it rebooted for the third time that afternoon and was currently an immobile brick. “Once you accept that everyone hates you, it’s actually kind of freeing.”
Despite this, most former drivers remain firm in their decision. “Look, walking isn’t perfect,” Felix admitted, pausing to do that thing where people put their hands on their waist and bend back like they’re getting ready for a marathon. “I’ve been almost hit three times, I’m constantly sweating, and I’m always hungry. But at least I don’t have to explain to people that my car is fast even though it sounds like a Power Wheels.”
As of press time, several Americans had abandoned plans to upgrade from walking to riding a bicycle once they realized they could be confused for cyclists.