Private Equity Acquires Local Track, Assures Public It Will Remain Completely Accessible to the Wealthy

Firm promises “only positive changes” impacting pricing, staffing, exclusivity, and profits.

ROSAMOND—Local motorsports enthusiasts were reassured this week after a private equity firm acquired a long-running racetrack and confirmed it would remain open to the public, provided they are or become rich at some point in the future.

According to the firm, the track will stay “fully operational,” “community focused,” and “financially optimized.” Longtime patrons initially took this as good news before realizing it meant their fees would price them out and the paddock would now be a gentleman driver experience to lose your 401K on.

“We want to be very clear,” said a managing partner during a press call. “This track is still for everyone. Everyone belongs here. We really want everyone to come here and make this their community. So pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get that money.”

Within hours of the acquisition, the firm announced a restructuring plan that included laying off nearly all full-time staff, replacing them with a rotating cast of Waymo cars and robots who will “bring a fresh perspective” and will not receive benefits, a wage, or any of that backtalk.