Presidents Aren’t Allowed to Drive, but Trump Cabinet Agrees If He Could He’d Be the Fastest, Some Even Saying He Invented Speed
Cabinet officials unanimously confirm his top speed, noting don’t worry about evidence. Look over there.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Although U.S. presidents are prohibited from driving on public roads, members of Donald Trump’s cabinet have loudly and obnoxiously agreed that if he were ever allowed behind the wheel, he would undoubtedly be the fastest driver in history. Some went further, crediting him with single-handedly inventing speed itself.
“It’s not a question, it’s a fact,” said Attorney General Pam Bondi, with a completely straight face. Like stone-faced but with her arms flailing. “He’s not just fast, he’s the fastest anyone has ever been, or will ever be. If you disagree, believe it or not, jail.”
According to insiders, cabinet meetings often revolve around complimenting the president for things he’s never done, with appointees speaking in unison like a choir, in four-part harmony, about Trump’s “unseen but world-record pace.” When pressed to reveal the proof, they said they would be happy to release it before changing the subject to how great the stock market is.
“Don’t worry about evidence. Look over there,” said FBI head Kash Patel, gesturing vaguely toward a corner of the room. “The numbers are incredible. You wouldn’t believe them. Nobody has numbers like these.”
Some staffers compared his hypothetical driving to Senna, Schumacher, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. combined, but some remain unconvinced. “He doesn’t even drive golf carts particularly well,” said one White House groundskeeper. “When he drives, we usually lose at least two flower beds and a Secret Service agent’s ankle.”
Despite the lack of evidence, cabinet loyalists insist history will remember Trump as not only the fastest president, but a bunch of other things they can’t prove.
“Einstein had theories,” one advisor concluded. “But Trump, Trump has speed, skill, and whatever he wants me to say.”