New Study Suggests Before Getting a Hair Transplant, Consider Buying a Project Car
Vin Diesel doesn’t miss his hair at all
CORONA—A new study from the Useless Technicals Institute has revealed a new recommendation for men experiencing hair loss. Before spending thousands on a hair transplant, strongly consider buying a project car instead. Researchers say the results are overwhelming, conclusive, and a better way to get finessed for thousands of dollars.
“From the price of one trip to Turkey, you can get a quarter of the way to the car you’ve always dreamed of,” said lead researcher Dr. Sofia Márquez. “And unlike hair, a project car isn’t a one-time thing. It will consume your weekends, your money, your sanity. It’s a far more meaningful commitment.”
The study followed 2000 balding men. Half flew to Istanbul for consultations. The other half were handed the keys to cars described on Facebook Marketplace as “one of one,” “I know what I got,” or “just needs a battery.”
Results were immediate. “A bald head is much easier to clean oil off of from being under the car working on it,” said participant Javier Ocampo, proudly polishing his dome. “And you’ll be so worried about your sweet sports car breaking down you won’t go out on dates anyway. You don’t need the hair. You need AAA.”
Not all participants adapted smoothly. One subject, Anthony Delgado, bought an E36 and instantly regretted everything. “Instead of buying yourself a one-time gift of hair, you get to buy gifts for yourself for as long as you own that shit box,” he said. “Coilovers, gaskets, bushings, new tools, more gaskets. I haven’t had a functioning savings account in months, but I feel… alive.”
The study cites Vin Diesel as the ultimate case study. “He’s confident, he’s fast, he’s bald,” said Dr. Márquez. “Why? Because he doesn’t have time to care. He has family to protect, a heist to stop, and 17 gears to shift.”
Hair transplant advocates have pushed back, claiming the research “lacks scientific rigor.” Researchers disagreed, arguing that their findings are based on hard data. Data as hard as a human skull. Researchers suggest hair transplant activists just want to exploit your insecurities, while a project car makes you more secure. Confidence is working a piece of crap on your own using YouTube videos and taking it on the road while you bump old OutKast.
The study concludes with a simple recommendation. If you’re balding, don’t panic. Buy a sports car, develop entirely new problems, and watch your hair concerns drift away.
You can’t worry about your scalp when your car won’t pass smog.