NORCO—The Useless Technicals Institute has dropped its latest findings, and it’s not good for BMW enthusiast homeowners. When selling their homes, they can expect to make much less than their car-enthusiast counterparts, and the reason made everyone go, “Yeah, that makes sense.”
A four-year study followed homeowners who also owned BMWs during that same four-year span, and analysts were initially extremely confused by the findings. Across the nation, BMW owners made 26% less on a home sale on average, with some states getting as high as 33%. There was no clear reason for these findings until the analysts started visiting the homes and saw their driveways.
“We initially thought most BMW owners had black asphalt driveways,” said lead analyst Jaime Cordon. “We were wrong. It was regular concrete and about three barrels of oil.”
Once the problem was discovered, a potential solution was implemented. Hired guns, AKA power washers. This is when the realization of the scale became obvious. It was impossible to power wash every BMW driveway. The demand significantly outweighed the nation’s supply of power washers.
“Our business is exclusively BMW owners,” said Powerwash LLC CEO Steve Bustamante. “We do our best to make sure our customers get top dollar for their homes, but there aren’t enough hours in the day to complete all their driveways. Our waitlist goes out fourteen months. All Bimmerheads.”
The gap in home sale prices did decrease after the power-washing solution was implemented, but even with the solution, the national average only came down to 13%. For home buyers who are handy with a power washer, this is still great news, but for BMW owners, it can mean no longer going to Erewhon.
Companies have started to catch on. A local vinyl-wrapping company has started to market PPF for your driveway that you can remove once you move out. Another company is selling a Leak Defendor, which consists of a cardboard box you place under your BMW to preserve the industrial grey of your driveway. The organic cardboard version is $399.99, with a carbon-fiber version for $799.
There are options for BMW owners, but it does seem like the best option is to no longer be a BMW owner.