New Pill for EV Range Anxiety Promises to Convince You to Drive Internal Combustion
Clinical trials show 94 percent of users demonstrate unfiltered happiness and a better quality of life
DETROIT—A pharmaceutical breakthrough is shaking the auto industry, the medical world, and several Facebook Tesla groups already on the brink of collapse. Researchers have unveiled Combustivex, a once-daily pill designed to treat EV range anxiety by gently guiding patients toward the life-changing lifestyle of simply continuing to drive internal combustion vehicles like normal, well-adjusted human beings.
Early clinical trials show the results are miraculous and completely unsurprising. According to lead researcher Dr. Mateo Delgado, patients reported “dramatic mood improvements, reduced stress levels, and spontaneous giggling whenever the car goes ‘vroom.’” Within two weeks, 94 percent of trial participants displayed unfiltered happiness and a renewed outlook on life.
“It’s incredible,” said patient Carlos Mendez, who previously suffered debilitating range anxiety after being left stranded several times on the way to get groceries. “After I started taking Combustivex, I suddenly became more courteous on the road and remembered gas stations. And that I can just… refill whenever I want. I forgot that life could feel this free.”
Not all EV owners are celebrating. Several prominent electric-car influencers have already called the pill “reckless,” “backwards,” and “an insult to Elon Musk.” One notable critic warned that Combustivex “threatens Elon’s ability to become a trillionaire.”
Side effects include increased horsepower, long scenic drives for no reason, and a sense of purpose. A smaller percentage of users reported attending Cars & Coffee completely voluntarily.
Despite pushback, demand for the pill is skyrocketing, with pharmacies reporting shortages after social media began calling it “the happiest people have ever been.”