New Fast & Furious Movie Promises to Reopen Strait of Hormuz
Widely considered the most coherent strategy proposed so far
LOS ANGELES—Global leaders are left cautiously optimistic and deeply embarrassed as the next installment in the Fast & Furious franchise has reportedly taken on its fourth or even third most ambitious mission since going to space: reopening the Strait of Hormuz using a combination of impossibly modified tuner cars (with NOS, of course), a lack of understanding of physics, and what officials are describing as “better than our ideas, I guess.”
According to early production notes, the film’s central plan involves a coordinated high-speed operation in which Dominic Toretto and his team will “thread the needle” between oil tankers at speeds exceeding 580 mph before towing all obstructing vessels out of the shipping lane using a Dodge Charger and the classic orange MK4 Supra that makes its triumphant return, and what one producer called “a flying Vin Diesel—you know he can fly for real now?”
“We can’t get into specifics,” said an unnamed studio executive, “but let’s just say there’s a scene where they solve a geopolitical bottleneck with throttle input and jumping out of the sky alone. It’s grounded stuff. Real-world solutions.”
Sources inside the production confirmed that one specific government has already reached out to the studio to request a country leader be “written in” as the hero, claiming he’s “a great hero. Some say, the greatest hero the world has ever seen.”
“At this point, and at most points during the planning for this film, that was going to be impossible,” the official admitted. “We’ve had meetings, we’ve had plans, we’ve had more meetings about the plans. Vin, each time, states the same thing: ‘only family is allowed’ and ‘only I can be the main hero, it’s in the contract. Remember what happened to The Rock?’”
Franchise star Vin Diesel, who reprises his role as Toretto, emphasized that the film’s solution is rooted in the series’ core philosophy. “People begged us to go back to the roots of car culture,” Diesel said, standing in front of a vehicle that appeared to have eight turbochargers and a parachute on top. “That’s what this is. You remember Race Wars? That looks like that region to me. We’ve been preparing for this since the first one.”
Military analysts remain divided on this Toretto guy, though several admitted it was “at least more decisive” than current approaches. “Look, is it realistic that a group of street racers could resolve a complex geopolitical crisis?” asked defense consultant Javier Mendez. “No. But is it any less realistic than what we’ve been doing?”