New Fast & Furious Coaster Promises to Release 10 More Coasters
Theme park executives assure fans the rides will get louder, faster, and completely unrealistic.
ORLANDO—Universal Studios has announced a new Fast & Furious roller coaster, and in true money chasing fashion, it will not be stopping there. According to park officials, the debut ride will be followed by at least ten additional coasters, each more impossible than the last.
“We couldn’t just build one,” said Universal spokesperson Dana Walsh. “This is the Fast & Furious brand we’re talking about. It can go on forever. The rides will keep coming, no matter how many times people say, ‘Wait, didn’t they already do this?’”
The first coaster, titled Fast & Furious: Hollywood Drift, is set to launch next summer. Its successor, already in development, is reportedly called Fast & Furious 2: Bridge Jumper, followed by Tokyo Coaster, Coaster Five: Family Forever, and eventually Coaster X, which insiders say will “involve a trip to space.”
Theme park fans are divided on the strategy. “One coaster was enough,” said local dad Marcus Rivera. “I stopped paying attention after the first one. The rides aren’t even about cars anymore.”
Others, however, are thrilled. “You don’t understand, it’s about action,” insisted diehard fan Jorge Delgado, who has already purchased a ten-year season pass. “I’m ready to cry on Coaster 7 when Dom sacrifices himself by ejecting the entire train into a volcano, but then heroically comes back to life because he can’t die, like contractually.”
Even franchise insiders admit they have lost track. “Honestly, we don’t even write plots anymore,” confessed ride designer Phil Morgan. “We just add more loops, louder engines, and some vague reference to Paul Walker. People eat it up.”
Universal has also teased spin-offs, including Hobbs & Shaw: Tilt-A-Whirl.
Despite criticism, executives remain confident. “As long as there’s gravity and rails,” said Walsh, “there will be another Fast & Furious coaster. And when there aren’t, we’ll just go to space.”