New Cold Start Silencer that Lets Car Enthusiasts Show Neighbors They Care.

Now available in 2", 3", 4", and neighborator

SAN DIEGO — Car enthusiasts across the country are lining up for the Cold Start Silencer, a new device that muffles the early-morning straight-piped banshee screams their engines make just enough to convince neighbors they’re not complete degenerates.

The product, which clips onto most OEM and aftermarket exhaust systems in five seconds, promises to turn your usual 6:00 a.m. 173-decibel wake-up call into something almost tolerable.

“It’s all about optics,” said company founder Tripp Trapp, who once received a cease and desist letter from an entire cul-de-sac. “Now you can roll out, unclip, cruise your local cars and coffee, and convince your neighbors you're a stand-up citizen.”

The device, marketed with the tagline “Decency without sacrifice,” reduces cold start volume by up to 50 percent and makes your car sound like you saved your time and money and just left it stock to begin with.

Available in standard 2", 3", and 4" sizes, the most popular option by far is the neighborator, a performance oversized 9-inch version that looks like you’re the coolest guy on the block and screams “I’m a problem” while also whispering “I’m trying.”

“I used to get death stares from the guy across the street every morning,” said STI owner Tyler McCann. “Now he just nods at me, and that’s growth.”

Not everyone is sold. Some purists claim the silencer dilutes the sacred ritual of waking up an entire neighborhood. “My car has character,” said Dodge Charger owner Marcus White. “If my neighbors didn’t want to hear 700 horses clear their ear canals every day, they should’ve talked to me before letting me buy a house here.”

Still, early data suggests the illusion of courtesy goes a long way. Reports of passive-aggressive Nextdoor posts are down, and one HOA president has reportedly stopped leaving angry letters at drivers’ residences.

As the Cold Start Silencer gains traction among enthusiasts, one has to wonder how loud your car has to be before the silencer just becomes a polite lie wrapped in stainless steel.