New Carpool AI Dummy Argues It Counts to Police for You
Device Programmed to Match the Level of Belligerence When Questioned by Authorities
IRVINE—The Useless Technicals Institute has unveiled a new AI-powered carpool dummy designed to argue with police officers on your behalf about whether it qualifies as a second passenger.
The product, officially named “The Notorious HOV,” but referred to internally as “finally, a real use for AI,” is equipped with advanced AI oversold by a hoarding billionaire, capable of escalating disputes with law enforcement to levels previously only achieved by people with a certain “privilege.”
“This isn’t just a doll,” said lead engineer Marco Villalobos. “This is a fully integrated carpool system. It doesn’t just say it counts, it believes it counts,” Villalobos said, lowering his voice to a whisper. “It thinks it’s real…” Returning to normal volume, he added, “But that’s not important. What’s important is that it’s willing to defend its belief for as long as necessary.”
According to developers, the dummy uses real-time tone analysis to match and exceed the level of belligerence presented by authorities, ensuring that every interaction reaches what they describe as “a completely unnecessary level of tension and escalation.”
“If the officer is calm, it starts calm,” Villalobos explained. “But the moment it detects even a hint of attitude, it responds accordingly. We’ve trained it on thousands of hours of police body cam footage and didn’t even mean for this feature at all. It just became aggressive from watching the footage.”
Early adopters say the device has already exceeded expectations.
“I used to panic when I got pulled over in the carpool lane by myself,” said beta tester James Pederson. “Now I just sit there while the dummy handles everything. Last time, it told the cop that ‘presence is a spectrum’ and asked him to define what a ‘person’ even is. I didn’t even have to say a word.”
The dummy also comes with multiple personality modes, including “Passive Aggressive,” “Confidently Incorrect,” and a premium “MAGA Delusional” setting, which developers warn may result in extended roadside interactions up to and including a physical altercation.
Law enforcement officials, meanwhile, have expressed concern about the product’s growing popularity.
“We’re already dealing with enough,” said Officer Daniel McDonald. “Now we’ve got these robots treating us like second-class citizens? We have rights. They can’t allow this to continue.”
Despite the backlash, the Useless Technicals Institute remains optimistic, hinting at future updates including a version that sighs loudly, rolls its eyes, and says, “So you’re just pulling people over for no reason now?”
“At the end of the day, people just want to use the carpool lane,” Villalobos said. “We’re just giving them the confidence and the completely unqualified representation they need to do it.”