New “Car Enthusiast” Tamagotchi Lets You Start a Project Car You Can’t Finish
Bandai Attempts to Revive the ’90s Classic by Targeting Men Ages 16–100
TOKYO—Bandai has officially announced a new “Car Enthusiast” edition of the Tamagotchi, a modern update to the beloved ’90s virtual pet you would always let die that finally answers the question: “What if your tiny digital companion never gets done and consumed a major part, if not all, of your savings?”
The pocket-sized simulator allows users to burn money building, modifying, and neglecting a Toyota 86 while emotionally spiraling after developers confirmed it was designed to simulate real life and is “almost impossible to actually finish.”
“We wanted to recreate the authentic enthusiast ownership experience,” said Bandai product director Kenji Watanabe while demonstrating a digital Toyota chassis that had been sitting on virtual jack stands for 617 consecutive days. “The original Tamagotchi taught children responsibility. This one teaches you nothing. You never learn, do you?”
According to Bandai, the gameplay begins with users overpaying for a cheap project car on Facebook Marketplace before performing basic maintenance tasks and eventually being introduced to more advanced features like “ordering parts they can’t install yet at 2 a.m.,” “watching YouTube tutorials instead of working,” and “convincing yourself the obvious electrical issue isn’t actually that bad.”
Players are also required to manage issues of varying difficulty, including:
Alibaba Part Shipping Delays
Friend Asking If Car Runs Yet
Looking at Your Credit Card Balance
Fitting All Cardboard Boxes in Your Recycling
Sources confirm that after approximately three weeks of progress, most users enter a stage called “While I’m In There,” causing the volume of boxes delivered to your door to spiral out of control and permanently immobilize the vehicle for what developers describe as “about five years.”
“It’s honestly incredible,” said beta tester Marcos Gutierrez, whose digital sports car has reportedly spent the last eight months missing an engine despite receiving over $14,000 worth of mods. “Every time I save up enough money to finish it, the game unlocks titanium wheel studs or a new set of sick ass wheels.”
The device also includes social features, allowing friends to visit each other’s garages and leave encouraging messages such as:
“Bro, hurry up and finish that shit.”
“Sell it already.”
“You should LS swap it.”
Bandai confirmed the most difficult stage of gameplay occurs near the end, when users must choose between finishing the car or listing it on Facebook Marketplace as a “Just needs a battery.”