New AI Car Promises to Be “No Worse Than Caitlyn Jenner Behind the Wheel”
Premium Package Includes Legal Teams, PR Consultants, and a Suspiciously Relaxed District Attorney
SILICON VALLEY—Tech startup DriveMind AI has officially unveiled its new self-driving vehicle platform, promising consumers a revolutionary driving experience that executives say is designed to match “the accountability standards enjoyed by Caitlyn or Brandy.”
According to company representatives, the vehicle’s advanced artificial intelligence has been trained on millions of hours of real-world traffic footage, court outcomes, and historically fascinating but suspicious examples of different people receiving very different consequences for the same actions.
“We know consumers still have concerns about autonomous vehicles,” said DriveMind CEO Eric Navarro. “People always ask, ‘What if the car causes an accident?’ and that’s understandable. But we believe we’ve solved that problem by not focusing so much on prevention and more on consequence management.”
DriveMind executives say the vehicle’s optional Celeb Cover Package automatically activates following any major incident and immediately deploys a legal response team, carefully written public statements, and a media strategy designed to ensure attention naturally drifts somewhere else within approximately forty-eight hours.
“We wanted owners to feel protected,” explained lead engineer Marcus Alvarez while demonstrating the system on a large screen labeled Rapid Immunity for Criminal Hazards or RICH. “If something happens, the AI immediately begins generating phrases like ‘our thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected’ and ‘we ask for privacy at this time.’ It’s honestly one of the most advanced systems to ever exist.”
Early investors are already enthusiastic.
“This changes everything,” said venture capitalist Daniel Reyes. “For decades we’ve been wasting resources trying to make cars safer. DriveMind asked a much smarter question: what if consequences were the problem?”
The company later clarified that a more affordable base model would also be available for normies, though it also warned it would come with standard consequences.