MLB Admits Not Asking Verstappen to Throw First Pitch Due to His Sheer Velocity
League says it cannot risk embarrassing it's catchers on live TV.
NEW YORK—Major League Baseball confirmed today that it has avoided inviting four-time Formula 1 World Champion Max Verstappen to throw a ceremonial first pitch, citing concerns that his natural velocity would be “demoralizing for every catcher in the league.”
“We’re not saying they’re bad,” said MLB spokesperson Carlos Dominguez. “But there’s a difference between catching a baseball and catching whatever Verstappen is. Our analytics department has concluded the velocity could tear through the stadium walls.”
The league reportedly ran several simulations based on Verstappen’s speed, reaction timing, and what analysts described as “unnervingly explosive alien energy.” According to internal documents, nearly every scenario resulted in catastrophe.
“In one model, the ball reached the catcher before the ball even left his hand,” Dominguez explained. “In another, the ball curved around the earth’s axis and moved time forward. One simulation had a catcher fatality. We cannot air that.”
Players across the league expressed support for the decision. One catcher who asked to remain anonymous said, “I’ve taken 102 mile per hour fastballs off the chest. That’s fine. Taking a Verstappen pitch is not fine. I have kids.”
Despite all concerns, league officials say they remain open to involving Verstappen in a future ceremony, provided it does not include any action that requires him to demonstrate any speed, velocity, or acceleration.
“He can wave,” Dominguez said. “He can smile. He can even sign a ball. But throwing? No. There’s no insurance for that.”
For now, MLB remains committed to protecting its players, its stadiums, and especially its catchers.