McLaren Terrified They’re Running Out of Ways to Ruin Historic Season for Drivers
Panic sets in as team fears they may accidentally win race without pissing off their drivers.
WOKING—McLaren’s stellar 2025 season has taken a turn as team strategists privately admit they are “running out of innovative ways” to sabotage their drivers’ success. Despite having two of the fastest cars on the grid, sources claim McLaren fears they may stumble into actually winning without enraging their drivers, a prospect they describe as “completely unacceptable.”
The team has already deployed a wide array of classic blunders this year. At the Dutch GP, Lando Norris’ engine was practically on fire while the pit wall insisted everything was “within parameters.” At Monza, mechanics fumbled a pit stop so badly it could have been beaten by a AAA call, then made up for it by telling Norris to pass Oscar Piastri, effectively punishing the driver who had nothing to do with it. The move earned Norris a chorus of boos from the Tifosi, which the team proudly logged as a “good day’s work.”
“Look, mistakes are part of our DNA,” explained team principal Andrea Stella. “Ferrari built a legacy on strategy disasters, and we are just trying to innovate in that space. But lately things have been too good. We are worried we might actually win without humiliating our drivers. That is not the papaya way. It is against the papaya rules.”
Drivers appear to be following orders with zero enthusiasm. “I have stopped asking questions,” said Piastri, while holding a sign that read, This is how many points I should have. “Look, winning in F1 is hard, and if the team is not screwing me over or screwing Lando, it would just make it too easy to be successful. People who get out of their own way do not know the real taste of victory.”
Norris, fresh off another close-but-no-cigar podium, echoed the frustration. “We have got the pace, we have got the car, but then something always happens. Engine failure, 20-second pit stops, or Andrea deciding I should fight Oscar just to make things spicy. At this point, I am convinced Zak Brown has a wheel he spins each week labeled ‘Who do we ruin today?’”
Despite mounting criticism, McLaren insists fans should trust the process. “We will find new ways,” Stella assured. “Whether it is double-stacking when we do not need to or fitting three tires instead of four, we will not let this historic season go unruined.”
For now, the paddock waits anxiously to see what McLaren cooks up next, though insiders fear they may soon be forced to do the unthinkable: win without completely ruining public perception.