Man Locked Out of Car After Shaving Door Handles
Witnesses say it was the cleanest, smoothest mistake they’ve ever seen.
MODESTO—Local car enthusiast and self-proclaimed “custom visionary” Tony Alvarez found himself stuck outside his 1999 Honda Civic on Tuesday after completing what he called “the cleanest delete he’s ever seen”: a door-handle delete.
“I wanted that smooth, seamless look,” said Alvarez, polishing the now-sealed driver’s side that was once a functioning door. “No lines, no clutter, just pure flow. Unfortunately, that flow includes the inability to drive it, but look at it. It’s totally worth it.”
His partner said the realization hit moments after he stepped back to admire his work. “He was smiling, nodding to himself, saying stuff like, ‘This is what the ’90s are about,’” said Miguel Santos. “Then he reached for the handle… and just froze. You could see the single neuron firing as hard as it physically could.”
Alvarez initially tried to enter the vehicle through “creative methods,” including prying open a window with a squeegee and attempting to climb in through the trunk. But he shaved the trunk too. “I got it unlocked with a wire hanger,” he stated. “But there’s no way in. You’d think they’d have a different way in.”
Even though Alvarez did something incredibly stupid, he insists he has no regrets. “I’ll just tow it,” he said. “It won’t run, but it doesn’t need to run to win a show. These handles are getting me a trophy.”
As of press time, Alvarez had overnighted replacement doors but claimed they were only temporary. “Next time,” he said confidently, “I’m deleting the whole car. The world isn’t ready.”