Local Man Who Lives His Life a Quarter Mile at a Time Struggles to Adapt to Life in Japan

Letters Sent to Family Indicate He Is Still Trying to Decipher What “Zero-Yon” Is

LITTLE TOKYO—A bald Southern California man known locally as Dom is experiencing automotive culture shock as he attempts to pursue his passion in the island country. He left everything behind, his mortgage, his store, his team and their bullshit, and moved across the globe in pursuit of freedom in 10 seconds or less, but what he discovered just wasn’t mathing.

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time. So that’s what I was expecting, but they kept saying 400, 400, 400, and that just doesn’t make any sense. They are calling the race before the real finish line,” said Dom, with bags under his eyes indicating he hadn’t slept in weeks. “I spray painted a line at the quarter mile mark, but they keep calling the race beforehand and just saying zero-yen, zero-yen. I don’t know what to do.”

This problem isn’t unique to Dom, as it is obvious to the rest of the world that while Americans measure distance in miles, Japan has elected to use kilometers to tie into their global measurement system, which makes way more sense than anything we do here. Unfortunately for Dom, the differences don’t stop there.

“All the cars here are run to shit. I’m going to have to import used cars if I don’t want a car with 200,000 miles. How do they even drive that much?” said Dom, now in complete disbelief. “Also, why do they call miles kms? Must mean killer miles cause of all the miles they put on these cars. I can’t believe we used to overnight parts from this place.”

Dom had nearly given up on life in the land of the rising sun until he discovered their inches are smaller than the ones he was used to back home. He got another 3 months out of telling people he was 9 inches, but that high soon faded after being told by multiple medical facilities he was bringing their averages down.

Since speaking to Dom he has decided to leave after learning they refer to his beloved franchise as “Wild Speed.”