Local Man Takes Over Neighbor’s Garage After Deciding He’s “Probably Doing Drug Stuff”
In a completely unrelated action, he’s also taken his Porsche.
WASHINGTON D.C.—A local man has taken full control of his neighbor’s garage this week after concluding, without the burden of evidence, that “something illegal was absolutely going on in there,” citing a combination of a Porsche he can’t handle, frequent garage usage, and what he described as a suspicious “carne asada.” He later clarified those were the neighbor’s words, not his.
“I know he’s doing drugs,” said the man, standing inside the seized garage with his arms crossed and Porsche keys clipped proudly to his belt. “I’m just saying no one spends that much time in a garage unless they’re doing fentanyls.”
According to the man, the situation first raised red flags when he noticed the neighbor’s tools were the wrong colors. “Red and black is fine. Blue is pushing it,” he explained. “But neon green? That’s cartel behavior. Buying tools like that is just asking for trouble.”
Further confirming his suspicions were the neighbor’s frequent visitors, many of whom, according to the man, “speak Spanish to each other, which is obviously some kind of code,” and “are so loud that you know they think they’re untouchable.”
The final straw, he said, was the regular carne asadas hosted at the home. “You expect me to believe that many people are showing up just to eat?” he asked. “Nobody has that many people who love them unless money is moving. Or drugs. Or both!”
“Yeah, I know it’s illegal,” he added. “But that doesn’t apply to me. What matters is doing what’s right. And what’s right is me being in charge of this garage now.”
The man has also taken possession of the neighbor’s Porsche. “That had nothing to do with the garage,” he clarified. “It was just there. I can make better use of it.”
Local authorities confirmed they are aware of the situation and would normally intervene, but stated they are “comfortable with how things are being handled.”
The neighbor has not commented on the situation. However, witnesses report seeing him earlier this week giving a thumbs-up to cameras while his garage and Porsche remain under new management.