CORONA—The Germans’ disdain for cupholders in the ‘90s has left many interiors milky, wet, and stained, but its impact clearly extends beyond ruined interiors. It’s now confirmed that it’s ruined friendships. Local man Edgardo Gutierrez has started a movement after denouncing his friendship with Don Pevez due to being used as a cupholder every time they go anywhere in his E36. Passengers of ‘90s German sports cars everywhere are elevating themselves from cupholder status into valuable humans again.
“He was always hitting me up to go cruise, to go eat, to go run errands. I thought he just really liked me, but then I noticed a pattern,” said Gutierrez as he put aloe vera on what appeared to be recently burned fingers. “He always asked me to hold his drink. Every time, I’d ask why he doesn’t just use the cupholders, and he’d shrug and say, ‘C’mon, it’s an old German car.’ I can’t believe it took me so long to see it. For years, I was a… cupholder.”
The Autobahn was meant to be driven fast, and drivers wanting to drive while drinking a Monster Energy drink are not fast, at least that’s what German engineers believed in the ‘90s. The Monster drivers are still slow, but now engineers have evolved beyond their prejudice and reluctantly included somewhat functional cupholders. However, these automotive relics of the past are still being maintained in garages with oil-ridden floors, ruining relationships one drive at a time.
“I don’t go anywhere with my husband anymore,” said Tina Sanchez while trying to warm up her visibly cold hands. “He always orders the same Frappuccino before we go anywhere, and guess who has to hold it? Me. He doesn’t even ask anymore. You’d think a Porsche that expensive would have at least one cupholder, but I guess they thought they included one by including a passenger seat?”
It’s now been 30 years since the Germans went to war with the cupholder, and it appears they have since lost. But the lasting effects of their decisions will clearly extend well beyond those 30 years.
Friendships are lost and marriages are strained. Next, you’ll hear enthusiasts are selling their cars because they have nowhere to put their McFlurry.
Or worse, they are driving and shifting with one hand.
Nobody can do that, especially the ones that say they can.