Local Man Develops Debilitating Anxiety After Being Forced to Lead Canyon Cruise
Attempts to Pass Responsibility to Other Drivers Met With Legitimate Excuses Including, “Can’t, My Tires Rub”
AZUSA—What started as simply organizing a Sunday cruise with a group of friends quickly devolved into an extreme medical emergency after Dan Bootbuilder quickly discovered that the responsibility of being the cruise pace car would also fall on him. The cruise, now comprised of an entire five cars, put the weight of those cars directly on Dan’s rear end. Some believe it a miracle that his rear bumper survived.
This was no ordinary cruise, it had lots of action. Entitled cyclists, slow Teslas, and hikers created an obstacle course for the cruise, ensuring that Bootbuilder would have his work cut out for him. “I literally asked everyone if they wanted to lead, and it was like they all had an excuse ready. I didn’t have one ready. I should have had one ready,” Bootbuilder stated with visible stress in his eyes. “It’s a hefty responsibility, one that I have to take seriously, even if it comes at the expense of my mental health.”
The cruise was doomed before it started, but as if an anxious lead car wasn’t enough, the Teslas made a parking lot of the once mildly quick cruise (We mean mildly quick at besttt). About two miles into the cruise, Dan came up on the bumper of a smug Tesla driver committed to embarrassing him as the leader of the pack. “It slowed us down to a crawl. I was so thankful because now I didn’t need to drive as fast,” said Jon Paez. Jon was one of the most vocal drivers who skirted leadership responsibility when Dan was looking for help.
The ensuing battle earned Bootbuilder the respect of his caravan. The Tesla refused to allow anyone to pass and slowed to 5 MPH, but Bootbuilder remained attached to his bumper as if to say, very politely, “Hey sir, please let us through, we’re just having some fun.” For miles, the Tesla seemed to endure the pressure of five moderate-horsepower, mid-range sports cars, but eventually relented to the dominant display of Bootbuilder and his band of middle-aged misfits.
The cruise carried on, as did Bootbuilder’s anxiety, but the cruise was blessed with a Toyota Yaris on the way down that alleviated stress by forcing everyone to basically meditate down the mountain at about 2 MPH without ever slightly considering pulling over. That level of confidence, lack of awareness, and sheer obliviousness is a lesson to us all to stop stressing because that Yaris wasn’t worried about anything, certainly not the twenty cars they held up for what felt like four hours.
It was thirty minutes, but seriously, it felt like forever.