Local Civic Owner Admits “I Haven’t Kicked VTEC in 8 Years, Yo…”
Experts confirm this disqualifies him from assessing how hard it kicks and saying “Yo.”
SAN BERNARDINO—Shaking the Honda community to its core, local Civic owner Daniel Alvarez has admitted the unthinkable: in eight long years of ownership, he has never once taken his car high enough in the rev range to achieve enlightenment and ascend into the VTEC heavens.
The confession slipped out during what friends described as just another garage hangout where nothing ever gets done. When asked, “So how hard does it kick in, yo?” Alvarez reportedly sighed, looked at his shoes, and muttered, “I wouldn’t know, bro. I haven’t hit VTEC in eight years…yo.”
The room went still. “You could’ve heard a 10mm socket drop,” said friend and fellow Honda enthusiast Javier Castillo. “It was like someone admitted they put water in their cereal. Everyone just stared at him. As far as we knew, he was now a monster.”
Experts immediately weighed in, confirming that Alvarez’s negligence officially strips him of several Honda privileges. “He is disqualified from shouting ‘VTEC kicks’ and ‘yo!’ on freeway on-ramps,” said Dr. Karen Lopez, professor of Automotive Anthropology at the Universal Technicals Institute. “That’s written in the Honda bylaws, probably, somewhere.”
Alvarez tried to defend himself, citing “I don’t even think it works” as reasons for never chasing the sweet VTEC notes of horsepower. His excuses only fanned the flames. “It doesn’t work?” scoffed Civic owner Marco Ruiz. “This man has two cam profiles and is only using one. That’s like buying a Honda and refusing to use first, second, and third gear.”
Neighbors weren’t surprised. “We never heard his car scream,” said Rosa Martinez, who lives across the street. “It just kind of…puts around. For years I thought it was a Prius.”
Alvarez has promised to change. “I’ll hit it soon,” he said, staring at a nearby freeway on-ramp. “Next time, for real.”
But for many, the betrayal is beyond repair. As Castillo put it: “That man has VTEC in his hands and throws it away daily. That’s just sacrilege.”