HOLLYWOOD—The Autobots and Decepticons have found common ground in a common enemy, Subprime, the Cybertruck Transformer looking to break into Hollywood.
The latest Transformers movie has been canceled after Autobots and Decepticons alike walked off set, refusing to share the screen with the waste-bin-paneled robot.
“He’s not even from Cybertron. I think he’s from Mars,” said Megatron. “He’s constantly posting edgelord crap on X, he never follows through on his timelines, he wants to install things called Neuralinks in our brains, and he’s always doing this weird thing where he throws his arm straight out and then laughs awkwardly. He just sucks to be around.”
Subprime has reportedly used his billionaire father’s fortune to try to break into the creative arts, but so far with very little success.
He was rejected by nearly every medium before discovering that a movie about giant alien robots disguised as cars might finally be where he belongs.
Podcasts rejected him. Magazines rejected him. Cartoons, books, comic books, music, and even country music rejected him.
“I’ve never been good at making friends,” said Subprime with sad words but no detectable sadness, or really any emotion at all. “It might be because I look like a poorly molded silver bar, or because I share some early-1900s German values. I don’t know. It just hasn’t worked out for me.”
Subprime said the only humans who seem to genuinely enjoy spending time with him belong to a group he is still trying to understand.
“The people who like me most seem to be the lowest-value members of your society,” said Subprime. “You call them ‘d-bags.’ I have not yet determined what this means, but they wear wraparound sunglasses and call themselves the warrior class. I heard one say he paid $18K for Alpha training. What does that mean?”
With the Transformers reboot now canceled, Subprime is reportedly considering having his father finance a new version of the franchise specifically starring him.
There is just one condition.
Every Transformer has to be a Tesla.
Unfortunately, that means production cannot begin until Subprime’s Roadster sibling is finally released.
Based on the experience of customers who put down deposits years ago, production is currently scheduled for...
Sometime in the future.
Maybe.
Probably never.