HOUSTON—In an effort to revolutionize the speedy, corner-cutting oil change industry, Jiffy Lube asked ChatGPT what they should do, and the answer was right in front of their faces the whole time, upgraded impact guns and oil filter attachments. In the year of our god, any of them, 2026, who still uses their hands?
“One day I woke up from a nap in a creaky office chair and realized our lube techs are wasting so much time using their hands,” said Jiffy Lube Assistant to the Regional Efficiency Manager Max Thork. “Drain plugs, oil filters, panel screws. If it screws in, we should impact it.”
Jiffy Lube’s new Max Impact Track technology completes an entire oil change, start to finish, without the technician setting one finger on the car or letting the impact wrench down. The amount of time saved actually generated physical dollar signs in the eyes of the company’s private equity owners, which is the only reason they allowed giving technicians new tools.
Local lube technician Cisco Suarez expressed excitement once realizing they would be able to do many more oil changes for the same hourly pay that hasn’t been changed in two years.
“I was already cranking on the drain plugs and filters with impact guns. We weren’t supposed to do that?” said Suarez in anger. “This was my idea! Who’s going to pay me? I knew I shouldn’t have said shit to Max.”
While it appears that some of these practices were already taking place, this nationwide rollout will ensure that all technicians are following the same process and using the same tools, guaranteeing what all customers have been looking for, an oil change done in a jiffy.
And an oil filter that will never come off.