ICE’s Preferred Air Freshener, Rubber Sole, Smells So Real It’s Like You’re Licking the Boot
Agency says the scent “boosts blind loyalty,” “reduces empathy,” and helps agents feel more comfortable during long shifts of abusing authority.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Officials at U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed they have officially standardized their preferred in-vehicle air freshener: Rubber Sole, a hyper-realistic scent designed to replicate “the scent of a size 6 boot with a Napoleon complex.”
According to internal materials, the fragrance has rapidly replaced traditional options such as “Piña Colada,” “Pine,” and “Whatever Black Ice Is,” after leadership determined those scents failed to properly exploit their secret police force’s sycophancy.
“Rubber Sole tested extremely well with agents,” said one official, clicking through a presentation titled Abuse and Compliance for Dummies. “They reported feeling calmer, more confident, and significantly less distracted by things like empathy, humanity, or the right side of history.”
The scent, developed by a private contractor specializing in law enforcement, the power of brainwashing, and unnecessarily aggressive cult practices, blends notes of vulcanized rubber, worn leather, and “a faint hint of authoritarianism.” Field trials reportedly showed a measurable increase in unquestioning obedience and a sharp increase in cowardly acts.
“It smells authentic,” said one agent, speaking from inside an idling SUV. “Not like what they make now. Like a real vintage one. Heavy. Goose-stepped. Scuffed. The kind that’s been stepping on things for decades, ruining small- to large-scale states. Honestly, you can taste it. I can’t get enough of it.”
Internal memos indicate Rubber Sole was quickly embraced after supervisors noticed improved performance during long shifts. One document praised the scent for “reducing the amount of expenditure on boots for agents to lick throughout the day.”
ICE officials declined to comment on whether additional scents are planned, though sources confirmed early prototypes include Squasholini, Blame ICE, The 6th of January, and a limited-edition variant named Sassy Fashy.