ICE States, “We’re Not Scared, You’re Scared!” When Asked Why They Avoided the Lowrider Meet
Agency clarifies absence was “a strategic non-attendance” due to the hard work of raiding an elementary school.
East Los Angeles—After consistently failing to appear at the weekend lowrider meet, officials from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement released a statement Tuesday firmly rejecting allegations that they skipped the event because they were intimidated.
“We’re not scared,” said agency spokesperson Brandon Keller, moments before aggressively threatening to put reporters in a database. “You’re scared. Not us. We’re big boys.”
The latest meet, which featured dozens of meticulously restored Impalas and Monte Carlos bouncing all day, drew hundreds of families for an afternoon of music, food, and models in bikinis.
ICE vehicles, once again, were notably absent.
“That had nothing to do with fear,” Keller continued. “We simply didn’t have time to raid a car wash, terrorize a school drop-off, and still make it to the meet.”
Attendees appeared to welcome ICE with familiar hospitality. “Tell those foos to come through,” said professional switch flipper Javier Morales. “We got something for those foos. Been waiting to deliver it for a minute.” How do you say no to that?
According to internal sources, concerns were raised after agents reportedly reviewed footage of previous meets and worried that their fragile illusion of masculinity is too likely to fall apart if they went. “That’s not fear,” Keller insisted. “That’s being strategic.”
Anyone with eyes argues that the agency’s denial only strengthened the narrative. “When someone says, ‘We’re not scared, you’re scared,’” Morales added, “that means they’re shitting bricks.”
ICE later confirmed it will continue to consider attending lowrider meets as soon as they’re done with their sweep of preschools.