ICE Asks DHS, “Why Don’t We Get Those Cool Toyota Hiluxes the Taliban Have?”
Officials repeatedly described the truck as “perfect,” “useful,” and “necessary.”
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials reportedly formally asked the Department of Homeland Security how one might acquire “those extremely cool Toyota Hilux trucks the Taliban always seem to have.”
According to sources present at the briefing, ICE leadership stressed that the interest stemmed from the fact that they are “simply a fan of the truck.”
“They just look… right,” said one ICE official, gesturing toward a projected image of a dust-covered Hilux cresting a hill. “Steel wheels. No nonsense. Absolute presence. You look at that truck and it’s like, yeah, you don’t mess with that guy. Doesn’t get more bad-ass than that.”
When DHS officials attempted to redirect the conversation toward standard fleet procurement procedures, ICE reportedly cut them off to ask whether Toyota offered “that military spec,” adding that their current vehicles “don’t inspire respect in the same way.”
“They just have this x-factor,” the official continued, clicking to another nearly identical photo. “It’s an inexplicable vibe. That truck looks important. No one says no to a person driving that truck.”
DHS officials reportedly attempted to explain that the Toyota Hilux is not street-legal in the United States and cannot be sold domestically under current regulations. ICE officials responded with visible confusion, asking whether they “had a smog guy” or could “just bring it over in secret.”
Sources say a DHS attorney pointed out that importing the Hilux would, by definition, constitute illegally migrating a vehicle into the country. ICE officials allegedly waved off the concern, insisting the situation was “different when it’s a truck useful to me,” and asked whether the vehicle could be granted “some kind of work visa.”