ICE Agent Shoots Sim Rig, Claims It Ran Him Over
Authorities say the completely stationary cockpit “accelerated aggressively,” adding that the agent feared for his life.
MINNESOTA—An ICE agent was completely forced to discharge his weapon after a sim rig allegedly attempted to run him over while remaining entirely motionless, officials confirmed during a press briefing that repeatedly described the incident as “avoidable only by bullets.”
According to the official report, the agent had no choice but to resort to completely unnecessary measures after the rig exhibited what witnesses described as “clear intent.” The cockpit, comprised of a seat, wheelbase, pedals, and a monitor, was labeled violent, willful, and vicious, traits authorities say are common among these radical left devices.
“This was not a hobbyist,” said one senior official. “This was a professional agitator. You don’t have direct drive that strong unless you’re planning something.”
Agents claim the rig was moving far too fast. Though it didn’t move an inch, officials insist the virtual speed posed a nationwide threat. “If it moved any faster,” the report states, “it would have endangered every ICE agent in the country simultaneously.”
The bass shaker was identified as the primary escalation point. “When it rumbled loudly, the agent feared for his life,” the report reads. “That’s clearly resistance.”
The President weighed in shortly after details emerged, declaring the sim rig “clearly a leftist Democrat” that was “obstructing and resisting” lawful authority. He added that the agent “had no choice but to defend himself” against what he described as “a flash that left him with a split second decision.”
In the aftermath, ICE agents involved in the incident are reportedly suffering from PTSD, most commonly triggered when passing arcades, Chuck E. Cheese locations, or any establishment containing anything barely resembling a sim rig. “The lights, the sounds, the seats, it all comes flooding back,” said one agent while avoiding eye contact with a Cruisin’ USA machine.