Gianpiero Lambiase Says Red Bull “Doesn’t Actually Give You Wings” While Holding Lando Norris Monster Can
Team’s bull has reportedly submitted applications to the Chicago Bulls and Durham Bulls following Lambiase’s departure
WOKING—Several energy drink marketing departments were reportedly shaken this week, and not from the usual chemical overload, as longtime Red Bull Racing engineer Gianpiero Lambiase reportedly stood outside McLaren’s headquarters holding a limited-edition Lando Norris Monster can while calmly informing reporters that Red Bull “doesn’t actually give you wings.”
The statement came just one day after it was confirmed that Lambiase, better known in the paddock as “GP,” will leave Red Bull Racing at the end of his contract to join McLaren in literally any position that wasn’t at Red Bull in 2028.
Witnesses described the scene as “deeply unsettling” for Red Bull staff, many of whom had spent years assuming the team’s slogan was true but never actually drank the Red Bull Kool-Aid.
“I just thought after all these years there’d be something,” said Lambiase, taking a slow sip from the black-and-neon-green can before squinting thoughtfully into the distance. “A small hover. Maybe something decorative. But no. Mostly just radio arguments, stress, and Christian Horner walking around with his thumb out saying ‘See it’s my thumb.’”
According to sources, Lambiase’s decision came after what insiders are calling “a long period of growing skepticism” regarding both Red Bull’s current direction and the drink’s ability to provide anything beyond heart palpitations and a strange metallic aftertaste.
“For years, I kept waiting for the wings to kick in,” Lambiase said. “Max kept winning titles, Adrian Newey left, people kept leaving, and I realized the only thing giving anyone wings around here was other team contracts.”
The comments reportedly left four-time world champion Max Verstappen staring blankly at a headset before quietly asking if “The FIA changed the regulations back yet.”
Red Bull officials moved quickly to downplay the remarks, releasing a statement that praised Lambiase’s years of service while insisting that the company’s slogan was “true but you have to really believe it.”
“Gianpiero remains a valued part of this team through 2028,” said a spokesperson, while looking back to see if his wings had come in yet. “We are fully committed to continuing our strong relationship, provided I remain at red bull too. Then I don’t care.”
Meanwhile, Red Bull’s iconic charging bull has reportedly begun exploring other opportunities.
Sources close to the mascot confirmed it has already submitted résumés to the Chicago Bulls and the Durham Bulls, citing “organizational instability” and a desire to work somewhere “that doesn’t keep looking like a car being sold for parts.”