G80 M3 Owner Doesn’t See What the Big Deal Is

“Everyone keeps saying it’s ugly, but when I look, I just see perfection."

SAN DIEGO—Local BMW owner Derek Simpson says he’s tired of people criticizing the G80 M3’s massive front grille, insisting he “doesn’t see what the big deal is,” despite the two obvious supermassive black holes visible on his car.

“I think people just like to complain,” Simpson said, flashing a wide grin that could double as a snowplow. “The design is bold, confident, and unapologetic. This is what sports cars are supposed to look like.”

Witnesses claim Simpson bought the car specifically because of its grille. “He said, ‘Finally, a good-looking car,’” said one completely bewildered neighbor. “I couldn’t tell if he was trolling or serious. It’s like he’s trying to convince us it’s attractive, but maybe he actually believes it? It’s weird. He’s weird. He also keeps saying, ‘Just give it a chance, it’ll grow on you.’ It hasn’t.”

Design critics aren’t falling to his massive influence. “The G80 front end looks like it’s ready to build a dam,” said automotive journalist Sofia Herrera. “He keeps saying, ‘Just wait until I take you for a ride,’ but I could never get that far.”

When asked if he’d consider a front bumper redesign, Simpson scoffed. “Nah, man, the haters just don’t get it. BMW’s design language is evolving. You either evolve with it or stay stuck in the past with ‘normal’ beauty standards.”

Simpson’s dentist has also weighed in. “We were set to fix his teeth,” said Dr. Alvarez. “Then one day he told me to come see his new M3. Countless companies have tried to correct the issue, but nothing seems to mask it. Eventually, he just gave up I think.”

As the G80’s design continues to be roasted by anyone with eyes, Simpson remains unfazed. “At the end of the day,” he said, “real enthusiasts know beauty when they see me, uh, it. See it.”