Ferrari Heard Discussing World Title Strategy: "No You Change." "No You Change."

Leclerc reportedly played with Leo and Roscoe in the corner, wanting to listen but not get involved

“We’re making progress. Well, one of us definitely is.” — Lewis Hamilton

MARANELLO — When it comes to Ferrari’s shortcomings this season, an investigation into media statements has yielded clear results: the problem lies with Ferrari... or with Lewis Hamilton. One of those.

After a thorough internal review and several heated debates that started and ended with pasta, team leadership has narrowed the blame down to those two parties.

“It’s definitely Hamilton,” confirmed team principal Fred Vasseur. “Don’t listen to what he says.”

Their strategy of casually blaming each other throughout the season, while theoretically effective in some weird alternate universe, has not delivered the results they hoped for.

“We thought blaming each other back and forth would generate momentum,” said a senior engineer. “Like a hot potato. You know how people get all excited playing? Like that. Instead, we just burned our hands and dropped the constructors’ trophy before the season started.”

The good news? Strategic discussions have continued to happen. Fortunately for us, they are usually within earshot of the Drive to Survive snitches. According to one well-placed insider, Vasseur and Hamilton were recently overheard in a strategy session described as “tense as fuck,” during which the only words exchanged were:
“No, you change.”

Hamilton, in his famously calm British tone, lobbed the phrase back. Vasseur, arms crossed like a disappointed father, repeated it louder. “No, you change.” This exchange reportedly continued for 127 minutes, only interrupted when the team chef announced that the vegetarian risotto was ready.

Meanwhile, Charles Leclerc sat on the floor nearby, playing with Leo and Roscoe, occasionally glancing up like a child stuck between arguing parents.

“He wanted to listen,” said a team mechanic. “But was also deathly scared of getting involved.”

Despite the tension, team morale is described as “confusingly optimistic.” Ferrari is certain that a title is within reach. That is if they can fix the right variable.

“It’s either the car or Hamilton,” said one strategist. “One of them just isn’t working. We can’t say which, because no one knows. Or maybe it’s both? Either way, we’re quietly hoping it’s not the car, because that’s harder to replace.”

Pundits believe that once Ferrari figures out which component is sabotaging their success, the world title is “basically guaranteed.” Until then, the team will continue their rigorous internal strategy of mirror-pointing and passive-aggressive media interviews.