Ferrari Confident Car Will Be Fast Enough to Outpace the Kardashian Curse
Team insists improved race pace, revised suspension geometry, and “a completely new car we are just starting to understand” will protect Lewis Hamilton.
MARANELLO—Ferrari officials quickly put their PR team to work this week to reassure fans that the team’s 2026 car will be fast enough to outpace one of the most dangerous curses in modern history, following reports of tifosi yelling “oh no” and “not again” after Lewis Hamilton was seen getting friendly with Kim Kardashian.
“We’ve run the numbers,” said a Ferrari spokesperson, standing in front of a whiteboard covered in old Kanye TMZ articles, a pair of Raycons, and a Googled list titled Men Who Dated a Kardashian. “We can save him. The current pace puts us in the back of the pack, but we are at least three-tenths ahead of Kim, and I think we can stay there.”
The Kardashian Curse, a long-standing phenomenon in which high-profile men “allegedly” experience career downturns, injuries, or suddenly eating candy bars in bed after entering Kardashian orbit, has reportedly been elevated to “priority one” within Ferrari’s operations. Sources confirm the team added the curse to their simulator and briefly saw the impact before the simulator exploded into a fiery blaze.
Hamilton, for his part, appeared unfazed. “I used all my bad luck last year,” he said. “You think it can get worse than that? I mean, c’mon.” Former NBA player Kris Humphries was seen at the conference slowly nodding his head in disappointment.
Ferrari fans remain in the severe disappointment they are most comfortable in. “They’re saying they won’t just keep up with the Kardashians, but outpace them? Seriously?” said longtime tifoso Marco Bianchi. “This is Ferrari.”