ExxonMobil Considers Abandoning Fracking After Discovering Trove of Used BMWs
Study finds a single M5 can outproduce a Texas wellhead during summer months.
HOUSTON—ExxonMobil stunned the energy world this week by announcing it could abandon fracking operations altogether after discovering a virtually endless supply of oil gushing from used BMWs.
“Why dig thousands of feet into the earth when every BMW driveway is already a spill site?” asked ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods. “Our geologists tested a 2008 335i, and within minutes the oil output rivaled an entire North Dakota rig. It’s a gold mine.”
According to the company’s internal report, even modest models like the E46 325i can leak enough oil annually to supply a small town, while M cars provide “premium-grade gushers” capable of fueling commercial airlines. One test involving an E39 M5 left engineers waist-deep in the stuff within hours.
The pivot is being hailed as an environmental breakthrough. “No more drilling, no more angry protests. Just tapping into what BMW owners already pretend isn’t happening,” Woods explained. “We’re simply rerouting what would have stained an AutoZone parking lot into America’s energy grid.”
Owners, however, are conflicted. “I’ve always known my BMW leaked oil, but it’s not THAT bad,” said Marcos Delgado, standing next to his 2007 328i. “Now Exxon wants to monetize it? Fine, but I want a turbo.”
Critics worry about the sustainability of this new energy source, but ExxonMobil insists the supply is infinite. “For every BMW we capture, three more pop up on Craigslist with ‘minor oil seepage,’” said company geologist Rachel Perez. “It’s a self-replenishing ecosystem. Honestly, it makes Saudi Arabia look weak.”
Environmental groups, long critical of ExxonMobil, have found themselves strangely supportive. “For once, they’ve discovered a way to do something good with oil spills,” said activist Karen Holt. “It’s the most honest energy program they’ve ever had. A little too honest.”
As ExxonMobil shifts resources from shale fields to junkyards and garages, analysts predict a massive shake-up in global oil markets. OPEC leaders are reportedly panicking, with one Saudi official admitting privately, “We never planned for competition from German engineers. That’s a whole new level.”
The first BMW-to-barrel refinery is set to open later this year. The future of energy is not underground, but under every BMW ever sold.