Enthusiast Spends Hours Tuning Guitar, Shocked It Still Won’t Gap a Civic

Guitar Shows No Horsepower Gain After Full Tune

AUSTIN—Local car enthusiast Dylan Herrera was left extremely disappointed after spending hours tuning his guitar, only to discover it provided zero horsepower gains that would allow him to beat a rival Honda Civic.

“I tightened the strings, adjusted the intonation, even installed new pickups,” Herrera said, holding a laptop connected to his Les Paul. “I figured that had to be good for at least 15 wheel horsepower. But when I went full throttle, that Civic still walked me.”

According to experts, the average idiot should know tuning a guitar has no measurable impact on horsepower. “We ran his Stratocaster on the dyno,” said shop owner Luis Ortega. “The graph came back flatter than an impounded EG hatch caught street racing in the early 2000s. He kept asking if we could ‘richen’ the ‘mixture.’ I told him, ‘Bro, it’s a guitar.’”

Witnesses confirm Herrera even attempted to shred a sweet solo. “He thought dropping D tuning would give him more torque,” said occasional flash tuner Mike Salgado. “Instead, it just made the Civic owner close his laptop.”

Despite the setback, Herrera isn’t giving up. “I’m boosting the amp next week,” he explained. “Worst case, I’ll trade it for a Civic.”