Drivers Caught Camping in Fast Lane Under Speed Limit to Get 4 Points on License; Instant Suspension
Citizens agree the new law finally targets the true menace of highways, but argue public shaming, prison time, or medieval type punishments would work faster.
LOS ANGELES——Lawmakers have finally cracked down on the most egregious, heinous, and disgusting road crime: drivers camping in the fast lane under the speed limit.
Under the new law, offenders will be slapped across the face with four moving violation points. That is only double the penalty of a DUI. Since state law mandates automatic license suspension at four points within a 12-month period, this means left-lane campers get banned from driving after a single infraction.
“This is justice,” said CHP Trooper Daniel Hernandez, polishing his radar gun almost romantically slow which creeped us all out. “Do you want to live in a world where someone puttering at 58 in the fast lane? These people walk among us thinking they’ve done nothing wrong to the world when they’ve clearly contributed to its downfall. Four points feels a slap on the wrist. They should lose their car, house, and job.”
Public reaction has been overwhelming. “Finally, a law I can be proud of,” said BMW driver Jorge Ramirez. “They took away my phone. I can’t have a single beer. My license plate has to be visible. But if someone’s blocking me while I’m trying to hit 95 in a 65, they’re free of consequence? No no, sir. NOT ANYMORE!”
Unsurprisingly, there are idiots who don’t agree. Tesla owner Linda Jenkins defended her right to ruin traffic flow. “The sign says ‘SPEED LIMIT 65,’ not ‘GO AS FAST AS YOU CAN.’ I’m a law-abiding citizen. Why should I move over just because I’ve got a train of 27 cars behind me despite no traffic?” She then admitted she’d never used her mirrors before because “that’s what self driving is for.”
All the smart critics argue the penalties don’t go far enough. “Four points is cute,” said commuter Anthony Delgado. “But imagine the deterrent effect of being tarred and feathered in the DMV parking lot. Make them stand there while we all throw shit at them. That’s justice.”
For now, the law is in effect immediately, and state officials are already reporting a drop in left-lane congestion. Police are urging patience, however, warning it may take months to retrain decades of idiots who think the left lane is a school zone.
For once, CHP officers are restoring balance to the universe by finally targeting the true menace, Karen in a Camry hogging the left lane.